Wife or Helper?

[Nottherealme]

Hello all fellow sis (and bro), I got nowhere to rant so I thought here might be the next best place to let out all my frustrations.

My husband and I have dated for 4 years before we got married and now we have 2 kids. Everyone says once you get married, the nightmare starts. 婚姻就是爱情的坟墓。And it's true.

He doesn't do his share of everything - be it housework or taking care of kids. Like most husbands I've seen wives complained about on Facebook post, he is glued to his phone all the damn time or when he isn't using the phone he is sleeping. When I ask him to do something, he complains this and that and says he is tired from working. But I am also working, also tired from dealing with bullshit. To me, he doesn't understand what married life is about. I feel so exhausted that breaking down is the norm nowadays.

Right now as I'm typing, he chose to be angry at me because I refused to help him take his phone to him, and shifted himself to the other room to sleep. Childish, I know right? I don't understand why he just refuse to understand the reason behind my breakdowns.

I don't even wanna get to the sex part because it feels like it is non-existent. I am lucky enough if we can get some action once a month. He doesn't ever do foreplay and the sex only lasts approximately 5 mins (?) before the deed is done.

I don't know what else to do or say to him anymore. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

[MuffDiver69]

Originally Posted by Nottherealme

Hello all fellow sis (and bro), I got nowhere to rant so I thought here might be the next best place to let out all my frustrations.

My husband and I have dated for 4 years before we got married and now we have 2 kids. Everyone says once you get married, the nightmare starts. 婚姻就是爱情的坟墓。And it's true.

He doesn't do his share of everything - be it housework or taking care of kids. Like most husbands I've seen wives complained about on Facebook post, he is glued to his phone all the damn time or when he isn't using the phone he is sleeping. When I ask him to do something, he complains this and that and says he is tired from working. But I am also working, also tired from dealing with bullshit. To me, he doesn't understand what married life is about. I feel so exhausted that breaking down is the norm nowadays.

Right now as I'm typing, he chose to be angry at me because I refused to help him take his phone to him, and shifted himself to the other room to sleep. Childish, I know right? I don't understand why he just refuse to understand the reason behind my breakdowns.

I don't even wanna get to the sex part because it feels like it is non-existent. I am lucky enough if we can get some action once a month. He doesn't ever do foreplay and the sex only lasts approximately 5 mins (?) before the deed is done.

I don't know what else to do or say to him anymore. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

I'm not going to take sides, have you spoken to him about all the issues without raising your voice? with the introduction of smart phones, a lot of relationship has been hit hard. maybe you can talk to him about 'no phone' sundays.

women got it easy, gets wet when aroused, just need to open up and receive. Men has it a bit tougher, needs to get it up too, if not can't perform. do you help him get it up? or are you a dead fish and expect him to get it up and service you?

[sammyboyfor]

How about getting a Maid? Many couples have found their lives get better when the drudgery of domestic chores is no longer a burden.

[Nottherealme]

Originally Posted by MuffDiver69

I'm not going to take sides, have you spoken to him about all the issues without raising your voice? with the introduction of smart phones, a lot of relationship has been hit hard. maybe you can talk to him about 'no phone' sundays.

women got it easy, gets wet when aroused, just need to open up and receive. Men has it a bit tougher, needs to get it up too, if not can't perform. do you help him get it up? or are you a dead fish and expect him to get it up and service you?

I did brought up the issue multiple times but he refuses to acknowledge the problem at hand. Most of the time I am the one who initiates the sex but he is either tired or can't get up. No, he doesn't have any mistress I am positive about this. No health issues either - we checked with doc.

[Nottherealme]

Originally Posted by sammyboyfor

How about getting a Maid? Many couples have found their lives get better when the drudgery of domestic chores is no longer a burden.

Our current financial situation does not allow us to get a helper. I have considered hiring one but the cost outweighs everything - which is why I feel i am stuck in this situation.

[MuffDiver69]

Originally Posted by Nottherealme

I did brought up the issue multiple times but he refuses to acknowledge the problem at hand. Most of the time I am the one who initiates the sex but he is either tired or can't get up. No, he doesn't have any mistress I am positive about this. No health issues either - we checked with doc.

if no health problem, definitely can get it up when he see a sexy lady in front of him, which brings us to the next question..... are you sexy enough to make him horny?

talk to him about the 'no phone' sundays. it really work wonders for a family. you can plan for early morning nature walks followed by sunday morning lazy breakfasts/brunch and then go back home for afternoon fuckathon and end the day with a nice dinner.

[Titan85]

Sorry TS, don't mind to hijack your thread.

As can totally relate to your frustrations.. As i'm in the midst of the exact same situation..married 6years & 1 kid. Just roles switched for me, i'm the helper and it's my wifey whom gotten addicted to the mobile world of gaming..spending $ and >12hrs per day.. chatting and clearing whatever daily clans quests etc with her in-game friends.

We are both working and weekend parents, more than often she reaches home earlier than i do after work. I'd usually get her dinner settled, but even during meals together her eyes is still on the phone gaming away..every time we reaches home after, she'll find herself comfortably in same old spot of the sofa, just right next to the charging point till 1am+..gotta admit i grew kinda sick of the sight, and chose to slept earlier.

We had talked a few times on it, but kinda give up at this point of time. Being adults i hope she understands how to keep the balance or at least game lesser when our kid is around during the weekends..before he follows her footsteps..so i'd try to suggest outdoor activities instead of staying home, in return she did make the little effort to change for him.

On usual days, other than gd morning and gd night greetings to one another, there is'nt really any much interesting convos or love-making sessions going on for the past 6 months+.

At times i'd successfully interuptted her with her phone, but felt she aint that interested as before, or once when the deed is done, back to the same old phone hogging self.

Hate to see the worse coming honestly but the neglections seems to stacks each day..

Difficult for a man to rant with his buddies on such hair pulling matters, thus been out catching up with old mates and drinking more than usual for a quick getaway from negative thoughts.

She seems to get the hints sometimes, but not for long.

Her addictions seems so real. Thus i'd decided to spend more time and effort on myself instead by picking up gym membership and new hobby for 2 months running.


Either way i'm still open to possible remedy, if any.


PS: may delete post if TS deem unfit.

[papauda]

I think you have to voice out and try to work out a plan, it is better to work things out asap rather than to a stage of no return.

[Nottherealme]

Originally Posted by Titan85

Sorry TS, don't mind to hijack your thread.

As can totally relate to your frustrations.. As i'm in the midst of the exact same situation..married 6years & 1 kid. Just roles switched for me, i'm the helper and it's my wifey whom gotten addicted to the mobile world of gaming..spending $ and >12hrs per day.. chatting and clearing whatever daily clans quests etc with her in-game friends.

We are both working and weekend parents, more than often she reaches home earlier than i do after work. I'd usually get her dinner settled, but even during meals together her eyes is still on the phone gaming away..every time we reaches home after, she'll find herself comfortably in same old spot of the sofa, just right next to the charging point till 1am+..gotta admit i grew kinda sick of the sight, and chose to slept earlier.

We had talked a few times on it, but kinda give up at this point of time. Being adults i hope she understands how to keep the balance or at least game lesser when our kid is around during the weekends..before he follows her footsteps..so i'd try to suggest outdoor activities instead of staying home, in return she did make the little effort to change for him.

On usual days, other than gd morning and gd night greetings to one another, there is'nt really any much interesting convos or love-making sessions going on for the past 6 months+.

At times i'd successfully interuptted her with her phone, but felt she aint that interested as before, or once when the deed is done, back to the same old phone hogging self.

Hate to see the worse coming honestly but the neglections seems to stacks each day..

Difficult for a man to rant with his buddies on such hair pulling matters, thus been out catching up with old mates and drinking more than usual for a quick getaway from negative thoughts.

She seems to get the hints sometimes, but not for long.

Her addictions seems so real. Thus i'd decided to spend more time and effort on myself instead by picking up gym membership and new hobby for 2 months running.


Either way i'm still open to possible remedy, if any.


PS: may delete post if TS deem unfit.

Of course I dont mind!

So sorry that you're in same kind of situation as me.. sucks big time knowing someone takes you for granted and thinks spending time with you is less important than gaming.

Can I say you love her more than she loves you? Seems like you takes care of her really well up till the point where she is very reliant on you for everything. Since you can manage everything, naturally this type of people (I.e. your wife and my husband) will just let you.

And her addiction is real. Please let her know that it has affected your marriage and ask for advice from her. Make her 'participate' in making decisions. Make her feel she is important?

Young couple I assume?

[larue]

I know how hard it is for you all, when there is no way to get the message across. Communication is a real issue for many couples.

In my case these festered for so long to the point where I didn’t want to put up with it anymore.

What I can say is that if you all want to salvage your marriages, these issues simply must be frankly discussed, and I also know that a lot of things are in fact easier said through a trained non-aligned third party.

The truth is very little of what you say now has any impact on the other party, a third party could help hammer home some points (eg bring it to their attention that these issues are marriage threatening, something that is not getting through to them) or bring up things you all may not have spoken about.

[bvhunter]

Originally Posted by papauda

I think you have to voice out and try to work out a plan, it is better to work things out asap rather than to a stage of no return.

Fully agreed, well said bro.

[Titan85]

"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated"

People change along the way, and for that we're incapable to control.

Chances and forgiveness is meant to give, only to those whom deserves.

Marriage isn't an end to a happy relationship, but a new beginning for Us instead of You or Me. Clapping with one hand for too long, drives the audience away unless you can snap it like Thanos did.. xD

Haha either way..bros & siss,
Always love yourself more.

[brudder]

Originally Posted by Nottherealme

Hello all fellow sis (and bro), I got nowhere to rant so I thought here might be the next best place to let out all my frustrations.

My husband and I have dated for 4 years before we got married and now we have 2 kids. Everyone says once you get married, the nightmare starts. 婚姻就是爱情的坟墓。And it's true.

He doesn't do his share of everything - be it housework or taking care of kids. Like most husbands I've seen wives complained about on Facebook post, he is glued to his phone all the damn time or when he isn't using the phone he is sleeping. When I ask him to do something, he complains this and that and says he is tired from working. But I am also working, also tired from dealing with bullshit. To me, he doesn't understand what married life is about. I feel so exhausted that breaking down is the norm nowadays.

Right now as I'm typing, he chose to be angry at me because I refused to help him take his phone to him, and shifted himself to the other room to sleep. Childish, I know right? I don't understand why he just refuse to understand the reason behind my breakdowns.

I don't even wanna get to the sex part because it feels like it is non-existent. I am lucky enough if we can get some action once a month. He doesn't ever do foreplay and the sex only lasts approximately 5 mins (?) before the deed is done.

I don't know what else to do or say to him anymore. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

let me dissect imho:
1) he liked to nua in nature
2) his mentality is more MVP
3) both of your priorities in life after kiddos is different
(for u is your kiddos > correct, for him, life still goes on cos no life n death matter > neutral)
4) for sex life, u can sacrifice w/o it (well, if he dont want to service u, there will be men waiting to service u, so not utmost importance)

Solution: either u accept it or u changed him slowly..but for me, kiddos development & happiness is top priority!

[lipe]

Could it be the other partner comes from a family with maid/helper?

It boils down to their up bringing. If the his/her family has maid/helper, then their tendency is to let other do the work.

My brother-in-law, since childhood, mother bring his plain water whenever he asked for it. When he married, his wife do the same. Until today have not seen him lifting his hands to get water or wash the cups.

Perhaps TS'husband is like the above.

[PowerRod]

I think you guys could do with marriage counselling, and hiring of a helper so there's time to rebuild the rship. Also i hope that physically both of you are in some ways attractive enough for the other party.

To the other guy, its a good idea that you focus on yourself and if her's is a phone addiction then try to get her to cut down by say 10mins a day. Maybe think back to what hobbies you shared while dating