[bigbirdbird]

Application for Sterilization





Dear Sir
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. I’ve been married for seven years, have seven children and have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally useless.

After getting married I was told to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the tango and mamba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the cha cha cha. In any case, where do you get a band at 5 o’clock in the morning?

A doctor suggested we use the safe period. At the time we were living with in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn’t work.

A lady of several years’ experience informed us that if we made love whilst breast feeding we would be alright. It’s hardly Newcastle Brown Ale, but I did finish up with a clear skin, silky hair, and my wife pregnant.

Another old wive’s tale was if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. After constant breast feeding from my earlier attempts, if my my wife jumped up and down she would end up with two black eyes and eventually knock herself unconscious.

I asked the chemist about the sheath. The chemist demonstrated how easy it was to use, so I bought a packet.

My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb, as the chemist showed me, can prevent babies. My wife was then supplied with the coil but, after several attempts to fit it, we realized we had got a left-hand thread and my wife is definitely a right hand screw.

The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all but, alas, it did give my wife severe headaches. We were given the largest size available but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally, we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out then we realized we were doing it wrong. My wife then started putting it between her knees, thus preventing me getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot the pill.

You must appreciate my problem. If this operation is unsuccessful I will just have to revert to oral sex, although talking about it can never be a substitute for the real thing.

Yours faithfully